Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just puked most of my soul out..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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