2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
