I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
