woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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