I wish they made helmets for livers.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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