So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
