if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
