he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
