Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it's like iHOP with fire
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
