Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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