Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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