ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
thus making me awesome and them whores
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
