what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
