I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
