She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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