This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my shit smells like andre
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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