I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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