I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
