For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
