Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
