Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
