I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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