I skipped work to stalk him.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize