Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
