umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
