theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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