She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize