Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
