Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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