I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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