The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
