we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
