someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
