Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize