We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
