Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
