There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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