Me. At least after what I've been through.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
40s are totally the cure
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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