i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
