in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
