Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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