upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
