so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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