My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
