i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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