I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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