Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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