Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
