i need an iv and a liver transplant
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Randomize
