NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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