They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize