I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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