Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
