I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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