wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
