I'm going to jail i love you
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
