My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
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