I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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