Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
