Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize