my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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