We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We left the knife in your bed.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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