I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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