Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
