Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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