You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
